Warning: Don't Read. Sad Post. Too Abstract.
As with life, I do things here not in bursts but in explosions. I have the worst habit of doing things in one big go. I rely on inspiration rather than consistency. I go for adrenaline rather than discipline. I prefer the most otherworldly and impossible short-cut rather than a tedious long way.
Unfortunately, my way rarely works.
Throughout the course of my teenage years, I have attempted over and over to search for the reason why I cannot transcend my inadequacies as a person. Recently, I finally discovered the root of Scott's evil: inertia.
I have too much inertia inside me; that is, I remain in a constant state of rest or motion unless acted upon by an immensely powerful force. When I do something, I can keep myself busy for hours without really accomplishing anything. In short, I have been wasting an immensely huge chunk of time, time that I could have invested to develop myself and devote to people I care about. I feel that I had been running on a treadmill for eighteen years: tiring myself, going nowhere.
Inertia affects me in almost anything that I do. It caused my failures in highschool, when laziness paralyzed me and stunted my personal growth. It afflicts me until now in college, even if I'm receiving better grades. This inertia has fragmented my entire college experience. There are times when I study and write papers one whole day straight. Conversely, there are times when I don't even open any of my books for weeks, except when in school. My academic life has been more of spurts and streaks rather than a long, smooth, straight line to desirable grades.
I am particularly affected by inertia in social situations. Even if I have the intention of saying something or doing something for somebody I care about, I just can't. I just can't. There are instances when I wish to express how thankful or how happy I am to a person. The feeling wells up within me until it's about to pour out, then something heavy drags it back once more, and then all I could muster is just a smile. It gets really frustrating if it happens all the time. I have lost the capability to be genuine and spontaneous because of too much inertia. I plan something, map out something, then when the time comes for me to execute the plan, it doesn't work out, Oftentimes, it doesn't even materialize at all. I have passed on so many opportunities in academics, friendship, money, love, and other things because of my inability to move without strong plodding from others. I am continually being overtaken and I'm getting used to it. On the rare occasions that I accomplish something, it feels awkward, it feels unnatural, it doesn't feel like inertia-stricken me at all.
Right now, I'm in limbo. I'm not much more real than a phantom. I am neither here nor there, no real identity, no profound connections, nothing to prove, nothing to be proud of... absolutely nothing. I have the influence and strength of an evanescent reflection. I feel divided into millions of fragments and dimensions, each having a different identity and set of ideals. Inertia has manipulated my life, and being pulled in a thousand different directions doesn't help either. Life is a vast ocean, but my confused soul is stuck in the trench, desperate to come out and roam freely, but gradually forgetting and foregoing the will to do so.
Right now, I am overwhelmed with misery. People in my life are at first eager and hopeful, infusing me with as much fuel as they can. However, I am an engine without wheels. I am struggling, giving all my might to move forward for the sake of the people I love, but I lack the means to do so. In the end, they lose patience and move on with life, while I am still stuck, with only inertia by my side, both my closest companion and deadliest enemy. Right now, all I'm holding on to is a glimmer of hope that I still have a chance to break free from the clutches of my inertia and that all will eventually be well.